Thoughts of a Recovering Perfectionist

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou For a recovering perfectionist these words are a soothing balm for years of self-inflected insults to my soul. I speak for myself and my own experiences when I share my thoughts on this topic. I am not certain how I came to adopt the false narrative, believing that if I obtained anything less than what I perceived as perfection I was not worthy; but, this philosophy resulted in years of feeling less than enough. Rather than be excited that I mastered a concept in school I was disappointed if I got any answer wrong. It was the wrong answer over which I perseverated and berated myself for my lack of competence. The shots I didn't make were the ones that haunted me after a basketball game, even if the team were victorious; and, the invitations I never received were confirmation that I was socially unacceptable. Perceived failure of any kind was over-exaggerated in my mind. I learned to be intolerant of myself and this intolerance extended to others. In an effort to make the self feel better, my ego justified an attitude of superiority setting me up as judge, juror and executioner for what I perceived to be the weaknesses of others. Rather than feel happy for others when they achieved success, I was jealous and bitter believing that their success was undeserved because certainly I was better than they. The standard by which I judged myself became the standard by which I judged my world and the people around me. It was a very dysfunctional, intellectually elitist mentality that left my mind closed to anything but my own distorted perceptions of reality. But, distorted or not, our perceptions become our reality. Without going into detail, I will share that a serious accident became a life lesson that helped me to begin the process required to address my dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors. When I describe myself as a recovering perfectionist, I do so with serious intent because that is how I see myself and I love that part of me. Each day I must choose to make a conscious effort to pay attention to my thoughts, to my actions, to my words, to my delivery-to my tone of voice because I recognize that my attitude is a function of many parts of the whole. It is precisely because I am growing each day to love and to appreciate more authentically just how perfectly imperfect I am, that I have the desire to strive to be kinder, gentler and more loving to myself and to those around me. I have come to appreciate that the golden thread that connects humanity is not raw intellect; rather, it is the ability to recognize and to understand what feelings and emotions teach us about ourselves and each other. As we learn to more honestly accept what our feelings and emotions are communicating to us about our authentic selves, we are better able to appreciate what feelings and emotions may be communicating about others. This is how we begin to develop empathy and compassion for the self and for humanity. Empathy and compassion should not be interpreted as acceptance of, or tolerance for, bad behavior in ourselves or others; but, rather, empathy and compassion allow us to get close enough to see humanity so that we have a desire to assist where possible to ease the suffering caused by dysfunctional thinking and the resulting behaviors. Tolerance and acceptance are not simply passive thoughts we adopt to absolve ourselves or others of personal responsibility. Some behaviors cannot be accepted or tolerated in ourselves or in others. They must be called out and addressed because they are disruptive and harmful to peace; and, it is in this capacity that tolerance and acceptance work in tandem with compassion and empathy to facilitate changes in human behavior.

With tribute to the beautiful legacy of Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Picture Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net