Understanding the Unworthy

I look forward to Saturday mornings. It is a time I have set aside to write about whatever thought, or idea has been rattling around in my head all week. This morning I knew when I awoke that I would be writing about feeling unworthy. What a depressing thought; or, is it? Maybe the thought itself is completely dysfunctional; or, just maybe, sometimes it is true and perhaps, sometimes it needs to be recognized and addressed. The feeling that I am not worthy is very real for me, at times, but what that means, where it comes from, why I feel that way and what I do because of those feelings, that it is where my personal development starts. I ask myself, what does feeling unworthy mean? Do I feel unworthy in all aspects of my life? Are there some things that I am genuinely not worthy to receive, now, or sometime in the future. Yes, there are certain things that I am not worthy of, but those things have nothing to do with who I am as a person. Rather they have to do with choices I either am or am not willing to make to achieve something. Am I inherently unworthy? Of course not; but, nevertheless, that is where some dysfunctional thoughts reside for me that do, periodically, need to be addressed. It is true there are some things that right now, and in the future, I may genuinely not be worthy to receive. For example, I am not worthy to hold the designation of PhD. Why--because I have not completed the steps and requirements necessary to be considered worthy of those credentials. I have not earned the right to that particular prestige. At some time in the future could I be worthy of those credentials, absolutely; but, only if I am willing to take the steps necessary. Saying I am not worthy, at this time, to be considered for the bestowal of a PhD is a true statement with regard to that particular subject. What is not true or intellectually and emotionally honest, is to take the leap from, I am not worthy of a PhD, to I am not worthy of anything. That would be, what I would call a very broad, hyperbolic generalization caused by dysfunctional thought. But, as silly as that sounds, sometimes, that is exactly the way the Ego works to validate a general feeling that has been quietly repressed and has decided that it would like to have its day in the sun. When I am feeling unworthy the first step for me is to identify that “unworthy” is authentically what I am feeling. It has been my experience that Unworthy is an often, misdiagnosed feeling that can be mistaken by sentient beings as justified anger and frustration. But, be careful not to blame unworthy for being purposefully duplicitous. Unworthy has a history of being hijacked by a triad of very, sneaky, puppet-masters. A trifecta of tricksters known as Fear, Guilt and Shame who notoriously team up, to work in the shadows, manipulating the EGO as they unleash a grand Machiavellian plot to hide their true identities. Their modus operandi is to muzzle unworthy, pulling its strings to deceive the unaware that their attending behaviors are a response to feeling angry and frustrated. This allows fear, guilt and shame to continue to fly below the radar when what they really need is to be identified and loved into submission. Fear, guilt, and shame are quite wise and they know that if their master plan is uncovered, they will be brought into the light, no longer allowed to engage in their, under cover of darkness, shenanigans. It is important to understand that they gather power and strength from one another; so, once you have identified this pesky trio, protocol is to try to isolate and work with each one individually. Divide and love. So, why am I writing about feeling unworthy today? Well, I will tell you. This week, I discovered, after a particularly eye opening interaction, that some of my feelings of unworthiness, have been hijacked and repressed for years by this rebellious, rag-tag band of emotional pirates. As a result, the behaviors that I have chosen over the years, have caused myself and others unnecessary suffering. What exactly do I feel unworthy of, at a particular moment in time-certainly it varies and ebbs and flows—but, generally speaking I would say love, social acceptance, understanding, tolerance, companionship, recognition, forgiveness, joy, happiness, advancement, praise and I am sure many more that I have not yet identified. Why do I feel unworthy? The why is important to my self-development; but, in this context, “my why” does not add anything to the discussion and would, I feel, be unnecessary self-disclosure. I will say this, “Why does anyone feel unworthy?” Life happens. We assess meaning the best way we know how both consciously and sub-consciously, at the time, based on our experiences, based on imprinting, based on modeling or based on any other narrative you want to advance. The point is, not so much about the why, but about the what. What are we doing with those feelings? How are we behaving in response to the stimulus? If fear, shame and guilt are pulling the strings, then what are we afraid of? Why do we feel guilty; and what are we ashamed of? The choice is ours to identify and decide if we want to work to end the suffering? Are you willing to acknowledge your fear; and, if you do, do you have any desire to face it? Only we can answer that for ourselves. No judgment, just honest, individual awareness and acceptance of what we are or are not willing to do. If we feel guilty maybe we have done something that requires restitution. If so, then only we can decide what steps we may be willing to take to take to get rid of the guilt. Perhaps this would require asking someone’s forgiveness and maybe that someone is your own self. Are you willing to forgive yourself? The suffering will continue until we take the steps necessary to resolve the guilt. What shame are we carrying around? Shame, what a particularly vulnerable, life-lingering feeling is shame. Shame, perhaps even more than fear and guilt, will fight to remain in the shadows. Shame will quietly haunt us, all the days of our lives, always hovering, always threatening to expose us to the world's ridicule and derision if we dare to reveal our secrets. Bring shame into the light we must. Bring the complete triad, fear, guilt and shame into the light we must, because in the light we have the ability to “LOVE” fear, guilt and shame into submission by covering them with courage, forgiveness and acceptance. In the light is where the understanding of the feeling is manifest and the healing begins. In the light, love is ministered, suffering is eased and peace that surpasses understanding enters in and resides. In the light there is forgiveness so we may remember our pains no more~Becky Bro

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